Rebuilding Trust and Commitment After Complex Trauma

If you’re healing from complex trauma, you’re intimately familiar with the feeling that the ground beneath you is never entirely solid. The world feels unpredictable, relationships feel risky, and the relationship you have with yourself might feel like the most fractured of all.

This instability often stems from a missing foundation. In childhood, a healthy foundation is poured by caregivers who are consistently safe, attuned, and reliable. They teach us, through thousands of daily interactions, that the world can be trusted and that we are worthy of care. For those who grew up in environments of neglect, abuse, or dysfunction, that foundation was never poured, or it was cracked beyond recognition.

The work of recovery, then, is the courageous act of becoming the architect and builder of your own foundation. And the two strongest, most essential materials you will use are trust and commitment.

Why Are Trust and Commitment So Damaged by Complex Trauma?

Complex trauma is not about a single event; it’s about the repetitive, pervasive stress of an unsafe environment. In this environment, a child’s core needs for safety, validation, and love go unmet. The brain adapts to survive, not to thrive.

This shapes a deeply held belief system:

"People are not reliable." (Therefore, I cannot trust.)

"I am not worth sticking around for." (Therefore, I do not deserve commitment.)

These beliefs don’t just vanish in adulthood. They become the lens through which you view every relationship—especially the one you have with yourself. You may find yourself repeating the same patterns of abandonment, either by choosing unreliable partners or by abandoning your own needs.

What Does Healthy Commitment Actually Look Like?

We often have a narrow view of commitment, shaped by our wounds. You might see it only as not quitting a job, staying in a marriage, or keeping a promise. But true commitment is an active, daily practice of choosing value.

Imagine commitment as a verb, not a noun. It’s what you do.

Practical Examples of Commitment in Action:

Commitment to Yourself: You feel exhausted and want to cancel your therapy appointment. The old, limbic brain says, "I don't feel like it, so I won't go." The committed, cortical brain says, "I value my healing, so I will go even when it's hard." This is how you build self-trust.

Commitment in Partnership: Your partner has had a terrible day. You had planned a quiet night to yourself. Commitment is recognizing their need for connection, setting aside your plan, and offering a listening ear. It’s choosing "us" over "me" in that moment.

Commitment to a Child: Your child is acting out. The easy response is to yell or send them to their room. Commitment is taking a breath, getting down to their eye level, and seeking to understand the unmet need behind the behavior. It’s being consistent with your love, especially when it’s difficult.

Healthy commitment means showing up on the days you feel like it and on the days you don’t. It means making a decision in your thoughtful cortex to honor the value of a person or a promise, regardless of the fleeting feelings in your emotional limbic brain.

How Do We Rebuild the Trust We Never Had?

Trust is not something you can simply decide to have. It is the beautiful, sturdy house that is built brick-by-brick on the foundation of consistent commitment. You cannot have trust without first demonstrating commitment.

For the trauma survivor, the central, often unconscious question is always: "Do your actions prove that I have value?"

Every interaction is scanned for evidence. When commitment is inconsistent, trust erodes.

Behaviours That Erode Trust (and How to Flip Them):

Eroder: Saying you’ll start working out but hitting snooze every morning.

Trust-Builder: Commit to just five minutes of stretching. Keeping that small commitment builds evidence for your brain that you can be relied upon.

Eroder: A partner constantly being on their phone when you’re talking.

Trust-Builder: Actively creating "phone-free" zones or times, showing with your actions that the relationship is a priority.

Eroder: Abandoning yourself when you make a mistake. ("I'm so stupid, I can't do anything right.")

Trust-Builder: Speaking to yourself with the compassion you’d offer a friend. "That was a mistake. It's okay. What can I learn from this?" This builds profound self-trust.

The First Step: Making a Commitment to Your Wounded Self

Before you can healthily commit to anyone else, you must first learn to commit to the parts of yourself that were taught they were unworthy. This is the heart of reparenting.

This isn't a vague intention. It’s a concrete plan.

Your Practical Commitment Plan:

1. Name the Need: Identify one of your core needs that often goes unmet. Is it rest? Nourishing food? Emotional validation? Creative expression?

2. Make a Cortex-Brain Promise: Don't wait to feel like doing it. Use your logical brain to make a decision. "I commit to being in bed by 10:30 PM three nights this week to meet my need for rest."

3. Follow Through: This is the brick that builds trust. When you keep that promise, you send a powerful message to your inner child: "You are important. I will not abandon you."

4. Cherish the Value: Actively appreciate yourself for following through. Place your hand on your heart and say, "I am proud of myself for keeping that commitment." This reinforces your inherent worth.

The Courage to Choose, Again and Again

Healing from complex trauma is a journey of courage. It takes courage to face the past, and even more courage to build a new future. It is the brave, daily practice of choosing commitment over convenience, and building trust through action.

It is whispering to the most wounded part of yourself:

"I see you. I value you. I am committed to you. I may not have chosen the circumstances that broke us, but I choose now to be the one who stays. I will choose us today, and tomorrow, and the day after that. Together, we will build a foundation that is unshakable."

If you are seeking to understand how these patterns of broken trust and commitment manifest in relationships, our guide on codependency and complex trauma offers further insight and pathways to healing.

Explore the 12 Needs Course Here – your roadmap to wholeness awaits.