Liminal Space: How Complex Trauma Leaves You Trapped in the Most Uncomfortable Part of Healing
The in-between spaces, those periods where the old identity, the old structure, the old reality we are leaving behind is dissolving, but the new is not yet fully clear or fully formed. This is what it feels like to be in a liminal space. And for those of us healing from complex trauma, this is one of the most uncomfortable, disorienting, and confusing parts of the entire recovery journey.
One question that comes up frequently from survivors is this: Why does letting go of control feel like a disaster? For a person with complex trauma, letting go of control can genuinely feel like a life and death situation. It can feel as though if we let go of the reins, catastrophe is imminent. This is a sadly common experience for many areas in recovery.
Consider a few examples to see if they resonate. Perhaps we grew up in an environment where we were told we had to work, work, work. If we ever relaxed, we were labeled selfish or lazy. Now, as adults, we come into recovery and realize we have never learned to meet our own needs or take care of ourselves. We know we need to learn healthy self-care. The moment we try, we know it is the right thing to do. It is a good thing to do. But the moment we do it, we feel guilty and tormented inside. We feel confused. We second-guess ourselves. It feels like something bad is happening. It feels wrong. It feels weird.
Or perhaps we grew up in chaos and unpredictability. We never knew what was going to happen from one day to the next. It was constantly changing. That was our normal. That was what we grew up with. But now, in recovery, we realize that is not making for an effective life. We want to develop a healthy routine and structure. We want to get organized. We do that, but it feels boring. It feels wrong. It feels like we are missing something.
What about relationships? If we grew up in a family where our needs were not met unless we earned our parents' attention or respect, we had to fawn. We had to people-please. We had to be what they wanted us to be. That was how we got our needs met. Now, when we enter a relationship, we decide to stop doing that. We matter just as much as the other person. We will express our needs. The moment we do, we are flooded with thoughts like: Nobody is going to like me. They will all see me as a narcissist. They will reject me. We feel tormented and confused inside. Something bad is going to happen. Nobody is going to want me if I do not fawn.
This is a critical part of understanding complex trauma and the healing journey. So let us explore what is really happening here.
What Was Your Childhood Normal?
To understand this phenomenon, we must first look at what was considered "normal" in our childhood. For people with complex trauma, many of our normals were not healthy. We had to fawn to survive. We grew up in chaos. We were hyper-vigilant. All of those things were our normal. We did not know they were unhealthy. It was just what we lived with.
When something is our normal, we get used to it. We learn to function in it. We learn to feel almost safe in it. Even when it starts to have negative consequences, it remains our default setting. It is our normal.
Then we come into recovery and realize, "Oh, that was an unhealthy normal. I need to develop a healthy normal." So we begin the process of moving from our old normal to our new normal. And it feels weird. It feels wrong. It feels like something is not right. It feels like something bad is going to happen. This creates doubt. It creates uncertainty. We second-guess ourselves because we are experiencing so many strange emotions. It can trigger intense fear.
Moving to a new place, even a healthy new normal, initially adds more stress to our nervous system. Initially, it triggers fear. It feels wrong. This is why it is so easy for many people to slide back into the old normal. It just feels safer. It feels like less hassle.
But here is something we need to understand in recovery: when we go from an old normal that was unhealthy to a new normal that is healthy, there is a transition period. In this transition period, it feels wrong. It feels weird. It feels unsafe. It triggers fear. It triggers guilt. All of that is part of transitioning to a new healthy normal. For many survivors, this transition period can last anywhere from three to six months.
Defining Liminal Space: The Threshold of Change
This transition time is known as liminal space. Liminal comes from the Latin word "limen," which means threshold. We are at the very beginning of a new way of being. It is the time between the old what was and the next what will become. It is a place of transition, a time of being in the middle, not knowing what the future is going to be like.
Liminal spaces are the in-between spaces, periods where the old identity, the old structure, the old reality we are leaving behind is dissolving, but the new is not fully clear yet. It is not fully formed yet. These transitional, transformative spaces happen to everybody who is healing from complex trauma, and they are often associated with a very forlorn feeling. We feel alone. We feel disconnected. We feel uncertain. They bring about a whole host of negative emotions.
Richard Rohr has spoken beautifully about liminal spaces. He says they are where we are betwixt and between, the familiar and the completely unknown. There alone is our old world left behind, while we are not yet sure of the new existence. It is a good space where genuine newness can begin. Much of the work of human destiny is to get people into liminal space and to keep them there long enough that they can learn something essential and genuinely new. It is the ultimate teachable space.
But the problem is that liminal space does not feel good. It causes us to feel overwhelmed by stress, fear, and guilt. We feel confused. It is a very uncomfortable feeling. There is a rawness, a vulnerability that is present. That is why so many people, when they get to a liminal space, think, "I must be doing something wrong. I need to go back to where I feel good again."
The truth is, we are not doing anything wrong. We are just transitioning to a new, healthier place. And it feels weird. It is the unknown. Entering an unknown time creates uncertainty and fear. We feel we do not have the resources to cope with it because we have never been here before. It adds stress to our system, and it does not feel good.
What Emotions Arise in the Liminal Space?
Let us list some of the emotions we are likely to feel when we enter liminal spaces. We will feel disorientation. We might think, "I do not know who I am anymore. I do not know what my life is supposed to look like." We will feel ambiguity. Nothing feels settled. We will feel very vulnerable. Perhaps we will feel some possibility, a sense that something new is about to happen. But then we can also feel very lonely, guilty, fearful, and stressed.
This is important to understand because people with complex trauma, because of all they went through in childhood, have a strong need for predictability, certainty, a stable identity, and a feeling of being in control. What happens in liminal space? It takes all of that away. This results in anxiety, which can send us into a sympathetic nervous system state, taking us out of a ventral vagal state, or we can go into a shutdown, a dorsal vagal state where we just do not want to feel anything. Part of the sympathetic state can manifest as a need to figure everything out right now. We cannot sit for very long in the unknown. We need a solution right now.
Can the Liminal Space Lead to Real Transformation?
Absolutely. This is the essential paradox of healing from complex trauma. The very thing that feels so destabilizing and wrong is the exact place where profound change begins. It is in liminal states that the change begins to happen. The old patterns start to loosen. Our identities start to reorganize. Our nervous system is renegotiating and finding true safety. Deeper truths are becoming visible. All of this is happening in this very unsettling time.
Transformation does not happen just from an insight at the beginning of a liminal state. It does not happen after a quick little period that we resolve rapidly. Transformation happens in the middle of the liminal state, as we are beginning to reorganize all of these different parts of ourselves. Much like the participants in a group training program who learned to navigate their psychosocial trauma by staying with the discomfort, we too can find that the discomfort is the doorway to change.
Three to Six Months: The Timeline of Transformation
Think of it this way. For about three to six months, as we keep working on ourselves, we move through this uncomfortable period. We get through it, and we arrive in a brand new place. A place where the healthy new normal does not feel so foreign anymore. A place where setting a boundary does not trigger a panic attack. A place where taking time for ourselves does not feel selfish, but feels like an act of self-respect.
The key is to understand what is happening and to give ourselves permission to be in the unknown. It is to recognize that the fear, the guilt, the confusion, and the vulnerability are not signs that we are failing at recovery. They are signs that we are in the messy, uncomfortable, and utterly transformative middle of it. They are signs that we are moving from an old identity to a new one. Healing from complex trauma is not a linear path. It is a journey through many liminal spaces.
For example, consider a person who is learning to stop people-pleasing. They know intellectually that they have value outside of what they can do for others. They decide to say "no" to a request. The moment they do, their nervous system reacts. They feel a wave of guilt, a spike in anxiety, and a deep fear that the person will abandon them. In the past, they would have interpreted these feelings as a sign that they made a mistake. They would have called the person back, apologized, and said yes. But with an understanding of liminal space, they can now see the feeling for what it is: the temporary, uncomfortable echo of an old survival adaptation. It is not a sign that they are doing something wrong, but a sign that they are doing something profoundly different and necessary.
They are standing on the threshold. They are in the "betwixt and between." The old way of relating is dissolving, and the new way is still fragile and unfamiliar. This is the most uncomfortable part of healing, but it is also the most important. It is where we shed the armor that once protected us but now confines us. It is where we learn to trust ourselves, even when everything feels uncertain.
We hope this helps answer the question of why letting go of control can feel so catastrophic. It is not a sign of failure. It is a sign of profound, courageous, and deeply uncomfortable growth. It is the price of admission to a new life, a life where we are no longer ruled by the patterns of the past. It is the liminal space, and it is where genuine transformation begins.
The Tim Fletcher Co. Methodology
The Tim Fletcher Co. methodology is built on a progressive 4 Tier path to healing, recognizing that recovery is a journey that deepens over time.
Tier 1: Introductory Education. Focus: Build awareness and foundational language. Goal: Understand C PTSD basics. Recommended Starting Point: Evergreen Library for micro learning.
Tier 2: Enhanced Learning Tools. Focus: Develop agency and a deeper personal understanding. Goal: Gain practical tools with community support. Recommended Starting Point: ALIGN Courses for self guided learning.
Tier 3: Immersive Recovery. Focus: Practice tools for transformation in a supported space. Goal: Experience real, lasting change. Recommended Starting Point: LIFT Online Learning, the core immersive program.
Tier 4: Supporting Others. Focus: Extend healing by equipping yourself to help others. Goal: Learn to support, serve, and lead in recovery. Recommended Starting Point: COMPASS Internship for those called to lead and serve.