Healing the People-Pleasing Prison of Complex Trauma
Do you ever feel like a supporting character in the story of your own life?
Your value doesn’t rise when you please others, and it doesn’t fall when you rest. Yet, if you live with the effects of complex trauma, this truth can feel impossible to believe.
Imagine being in a relationship with someone who speaks over you, silences your suggestions, and communicates that you are nothing without their approval. You would immediately recognize this as toxic. And yet, this is the exact dynamic we enact upon ourselves when we live as people-pleasers.
We wear masks. We say “yes” from a place of emotional depletion. We ignore the quiet, desperate needs of our own bodies in the service of helping others. In doing so, we silently give others permission to treat us as an afterthought, reinforcing a devastating core belief: My needs are not important.
But here is the truth your soul has been waiting to hear: You matter. Your needs matter. Your pain matters. Your existence matters, full-stop.
And before you can love or care for anyone from a place of authentic strength, you must first give yourself the profound permission to matter.
If this resonates, please hold this gently: people-pleasing was the most brilliant, adaptive choice you could have made to survive your past. It was a shield of compliance you were strong enough to carry. Now, it’s time to understand its roots, so you can finally lay that heavy burden down.
The Survival Code: How Complex Trauma Creates a People-Pleaser
To heal people-pleasing and complex trauma, we must first understand its origin not as a flaw, but as a survival strategy.
As children, our authenticity is often sacrificed to keep us safe. Your experiences may have taught you that saying ‘no’ was a dangerous act that resulted in being belittled, shamed, punished, or even abandoned. When you are small and the world is unsafe, and you desperately need others to care for you, your brilliant brain devises a last-resort survival tactic.
This is known as the fawn response, or the subjugation life trap.
Fawning says:
“If I make you happy, you won’t hurt me.”
“Never saying ‘no’ keeps me safe.”
“When you are upset, I will fix it so you see my value.”
“If I don’t have needs, I will be easy to love.”
Over time, this isn’t just a behavior—it becomes imprinted on your nervous system. It becomes your default setting, a template that feels strangely "normal" and safe, even when it's causing you immense harm.
This wiring is often fueled by deep-seated shame—the conviction that you are inherently flawed. As Tim Fletcher explains, the people-pleaser thinks, “I need them to like me because I don't like myself... The only way people will respect me is if I please them.” This drive can also be powered by guilt (trying to make up for a past you couldn't control) and fear (the certainty that standing up for yourself will lead to punishment).
The High Cost of Appeasement: How People-Pleasing Harms You
This life trap is notoriously hard to see as negative because it often brings praise and validation. You may be seen as the "saint," the "hero," the incredibly easy-going person. But behind this facade, a high cost is being paid by your mind, body, and spirit.
The Physical Toll: A Nervous System Under Siege
Your sympathetic nervous system—designed for short-term alerts—is forced into a constant state of hyperarousal. You become a social cue scanner, perpetually watching for changes in body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions. If someone becomes upset, you assume it’s your fault, and your goal is to appease them in time.
This chronic state of alarm prevents your body from entering the "rest and digest" mode of the parasympathetic nervous system, where healing occurs. This dysregulation can manifest as:
Chronic fatigue and burnout
Irritability and chronic anxiety
Digestive issues and a weakened immune system
Brain fog and difficulty concentrating
Sleep problems
Your body is quite literally exhausting itself in its quest to earn your safety.
The Cost to Your Identity and Relationships
Fawning requires wearing a mask. Over time, this leads to a fractured sense of self. You may feel a deep emptiness, an internal void, and feel completely disconnected from your own emotions and needs.
This shapes your relationships into one-sided arrangements where you only feel you have value when you are meeting the needs of others. This inevitably leads to:
Emotional and mental burnout
Seething resentment
Feeling unappreciated and used
Cynicism about relationships
Suppressed anxiety and anger
The countless sacrifices you’ve made have not been reciprocated, leaving you with the gut-wrenching feeling that you are still not good enough.
The Path to Reclamation: How Do You Heal Complex Trauma and Stop People-Pleasing?
Healing isn’t about forcing yourself to “stop caring what others think.” It’s about the slow, compassionate work of rewiring and reparenting your nervous system to understand, perhaps for the first time, that you can be both authentic and safe.
You are learning to listen to yourself, not fix yourself. This can only happen from a place of regulation, peace, and self-respect.
1. Cultivate Compassionate Awareness
Several times a day, simply pause. This is not about fixing; it’s about noticing.
Ask yourself: “What am I feeling right now? Emotionally? Spiritually? Physically?”
Then ask: “What do I need right now? Rest? Food? Reassurance? Safety?”
This simple act of turning your attention inward is a powerful message to your nervous system: “I am here. I am listening. You matter.”
2. Create Safety in Your Own Body
Safety is a physical experience. You must teach your body that peace is something you can provide for yourself.
Try: Taking an intentional, deep breath, focusing on a long, slow exhale to activate the parasympathetic nervous system.
Try: Placing your hand on your heart and humming softly, feeling the vibration beneath your hand to connect with yourself.
Try: Spending time alone in nature where you feel no pressure to perform.
These are not just "relaxation techniques"; they are direct counter-operations to the state of hyperarousal that complex PTSD creates.
3. Practice Saying "No" and Setting Boundaries
Start small. Say “no” to a minor request—an invite for coffee, an extra task. Notice the discomfort and guilt that follow. This guilt is not a sign you are wrong; it is the echo of an old program telling you that self-care is selfish.
Take a deep breath and remind yourself: “I matter. I am taking care of me.”
Fawning says: “I will be whoever you need me to be. Unconditional love means putting up with abuse.”
Boundaries say: “I need this relationship to be built on respect. I love you enough to be clear about what I can and cannot accept. I value you, but not at the cost of losing myself.”
As Tim Fletcher emphasizes, healing your underlying shame is the cornerstone of this work. Without addressing the core belief that you are unworthy, the tools will feel hollow. Our LIFT Online Learning program is specifically designed to help you heal these deep, foundational wounds.
4. Audit and Rebalance Your Relationships
Take an honest look at your relationships. Make a list of what you give and what you receive in terms of time, energy, and emotional support. If it’s not close to 50/50, it’s a signal that the dynamic is fueled by your people-pleasing template.
Pull back from relationships with people who only want to use you. Your energy is a precious resource for your healing journey. For a deeper understanding of how complex trauma impacts your connection with yourself and others, explore our article on How Complex Trauma Distorts Your Map to Connection
You Are Not Meant to Be a Ghost in Your Own Life
Giving yourself permission to matter is the first step home to yourself. Connecting with your authenticity may feel like meeting an old friend—or making a new one.
By honoring your need for rest, integrity, and self-care, you water the garden of your soul. From this place of abundance, you can then help others from a place of peace and genuine love, rather than from the depleted wells of guilt and resentment.
Imagine how this gift of your true, authentic self will transform the world immediately around you.
Supporting Your Journey
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Otherwise, feel free to explore the resources we’ve designed to meet you wherever you’re at and empower you with healthy tools for healing.
- ALIGN Courses: Practical, self-paced, trauma-informed tools to help you navigate recovery with clarity and confidence.
- Article: Read “Why Healing Your Relationship With Your Body Is the Key to Healing Everything Else | Complex Trauma” for actionable insights into overcoming trauma’s long-lasting effects.
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