Falling for the Fantasy: How Complex Trauma Sets Us Up for Love at First Sight With a Narcissist
If you've ever found yourself stuck in a relationship that felt intense, confusing, and almost impossible to walk away from, you're not crazy and you're not weak.
There's a reason your nervous system bonded so deeply, even when your heart was hurting. There's a reason you stayed long after your mind knew you should go. And there's a reason the beginning felt so magical, only to dissolve into something that left you questioning your own reality.
In this article, you'll begin to understand how complex trauma wires the brain for shame and hypervigilance, how narcissists exploit those wounds, and why the cycle of idealize, devalue, and discard follows a predictable pattern. Most importantly, you'll learn how to shift from emotional reactivity to grounded, protective thinking and reclaim your clarity, strength, and worth.
I Don't Feel Safe Anymore But I Can't Make Myself Leave
"I don't feel safe anymore. I can't make myself leave. If I just try harder, things can go back to the way they were at the start."
If these words echo inside you, please take a gentle breath. You are not alone, and you are not weak. You are caught in one of the most confusing and painful dynamics a person can experience.
Perhaps your relationship started with what felt like an instant connection. There may have been uninterrupted attention, deep conversations that lasted into the night, gifts that made you feel seen, grand gestures, or promises about a shared future. Maybe you felt like you'd finally met your soulmate, someone who truly understood you.
But then something shifted. They went distant, sullen, cold, or uninterested. You started to feel unsafe. A tightness in your chest, a vigilance around your words, a nagging sense that you'd done something wrong. Then suddenly, they showed you affection again, and the relief was overwhelming. Everything would be okay. Until it wasn't.
If this painful cycle sounds familiar, please know that their behaviour has nothing to do with your worth. You may be with a narcissist or someone with strong narcissistic tendencies. And while the pain is real, so is the possibility of understanding and freedom.
Stay with us as we gently unpack what is happening. By the end, you will understand why this toxic cycle repeats, why narcissists follow it so predictably, and how you can use this awareness to make informed decisions for your future, beginning with rebuilding security and trust within yourself.
The Cycle That Keeps You Trapped: Idealize, Devalue, Discard
To understand why this dynamic is so confusing, we need to look at the three distinct stages of a narcissistic relationship. They rarely happen all at once. This is a gradual progression, which is why it's so difficult to recognize while you're in it.
Stage One: The Idealized Phase. "You're Perfect for Me."
When you first meet someone with strong narcissistic traits, something remarkable happens. They make you feel like the most special person in the world. They give you their full attention, notice small details about you, and ask deep questions. They seem genuinely fascinated by who you are.
This is what Tim Fletcher describes as the narcissist needing to feel superior, but in the idealized stage, they treat you as if you're better than them. They put you on a pedestal. They mirror back everything you've ever wanted to feel: seen, cherished, understood.
But here's what's happening beneath the surface. They are gathering information. Your vulnerabilities. Your wounds. The places where you carry shame.
Consider what they may ask about:
Your relationship with your family, who hurt you, who abandoned you.
Areas where you feel insecure, like body image, finances, or self-confidence.
Past betrayals and whether you have trust issues.
Fears you carry for yourself or loved ones.
What you believe about love, that it means staying no matter what.
Whether you struggle to set boundaries or tend to people-please.
If you share that a parent abandoned you, they may promise to never leave you. If you felt left out in high school, they promise to include you completely. If you share insecurities about your appearance, they reassure you that you're beautiful.
This is called love bombing, and it feels like healing. Every time they express a kind gesture or carefully crafted compliment, your brain communicates to your nervous system that you are safe.
But this is not true. You are not safe. They are not falling in love with you. They are building a trap designed specifically for your wounds.
Stage Two: The Devaluing Phase. Walking on Eggshells.
As the relationship progresses, discontent begins to develop. The fantasy stage can't last forever, and for the narcissist, things are now out of balance. They placed you above them in the idealized stage, but their internal wiring demands they be superior. So they must put you back into an inferior position.
This is where the devaluing stage begins.
What starts to enter the relationship is disrespect. Little shots. Small lashings out. Increased bursts of anger. Verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and for some, this can build into physical, financial, or sexual abuse.
The narcissist blames you for their discontent. They lash out at you. And if they're not doing it to your face yet, they're doing it behind your back, calling you nasty names to their friends, painting you as the problem. Eventually, that comes into the relationship too.
Now you find yourself walking on eggshells. You know they're irritable. You know little things set them off. So you shrink. You monitor your words. You try to become small enough to avoid their rage.
But here's what can also happen. Both of you become increasingly discontent. The narcissist isn't getting their supply anymore because you're not responding the way you used to. So they may cheat. They may go looking for someone else to feed their narcissism. And that means they start lying to you.
As this progresses, they tell you less and less. They become a parasite, looking to mooch off you, treating you as a meal ticket to pay their bills, feed them, take care of them. They drain you financially and emotionally. They become a leech.
And still, nobody is happy. There's more conflict, more anger, more fear. And then comes one of the most damaging tools in their arsenal.
Gaslighting: Making You Doubt Your Own Mind
Gaslighting is when someone gets you to doubt your perception of reality. The narcissist begins to wear down your self-image so you no longer trust your own thoughts, emotions, or observations.
You bring up their hurtful behaviour, but instead of taking responsibility, they deny it. They say you're making things up. You're too sensitive. You're bringing drama into the relationship.
Over time, their accusations replace your inner voice. You begin to wonder if you're losing your mind. They tell you others feel sorry for you, that everyone can see how crazy you're being. They criticize what you do and who you spend time with.
Eventually, the only person you trust to see things correctly is the narcissist. They now have total power over you. You have zero power, zero self-image, and this is a very dangerous, very scary place to be.
The Cycle Within the Cycle: Honeymoon, Blow Up, Repeat
Before reaching the more severe stages, many relationships get stuck in a painful loop.
The honeymoon stage gets shorter and shorter each time. The conflict and blow up become more intense each time. Then comes reconciliation and relief, and the cycle repeats.
Nobody is dealing with anything. Unresolved issues pile up. The honeymoon periods shrink, the blowups intensify, until eventually, it all goes down the drain. This devalue stage can go on for months and months.
Stage Three: The Discard. When They Replace You.
The third stage is what we call the discard or replace stage. The narcissist is discontent. You're no longer feeding their narcissism. You're no longer serving as the mirror they need. So they go find a new person.
They begin to groom someone new, love bombing them, mirroring them, making that person explode with gratitude. The new supply feeds the narcissist all over again.
And now they need to get rid of you.
Here's what you need to understand. A narcissist is all about their image. If the relationship is ending, they must make sure everyone knows it's not their fault. It's all yours.
So they go to their new partner and do a total smear campaign of your personality and character. You become the devil in disguise. And they're happy to talk about it.
To your face, they project everything. When you confront them and ask why they are treating you like this or why they are cheating, they may give you the silent treatment at first. But eventually, they'll tell you that it's because you're this way and that way. They project all their own problems onto you. They accuse you of things you've never even dreamed of doing, often things they are doing themselves.
Then comes the damage control. Social media posts about how terrible you are. Happy pictures with the new person. Making themselves look like the hero again.
If You Are the One Being Discarded
If you've been discarded by a narcissist, you know how uniquely painful this is.
Usually, it's very sudden, like flipping a switch. One day they loved you. Today they hate you, and it's done. They don't end things until they already have someone else lined up, so you're left in shock with no closure, no explanation other than it's all your fault. Your questions go unanswered. You might beg them to explain and get only silence.
Often at this point, their beautiful mask comes off completely. For the first time, you may see the coldness, the cruelty beneath. There's no remorse, no concern for your feelings. It's just done.
Please hear this. Being discarded is about their behaviour, not your worth. You could have been perfect in every way, and they still would have discarded you, because the problem was never you. The problem is the emptiness inside them that no amount of supply can permanently fill.
If You Are the One Choosing to Leave
If you're in a relationship with a narcissist, the healthiest thing you can do is end it and establish no contact. Because here's what happens if you allow contact. To a narcissist, contact means they still have a chance. They will plant seeds in your brain, twist your thinking, exploit your hope. And if they've beaten down your self-image, you will listen.
No contact is ideal. But if you share children or other unavoidable connections, you need a different approach.
Become a Gray Rock
A gray rock is exactly what it sounds like. Grey, unremarkable, blending in. When you must interact, keep responses brief and emotionless. Don't ask them questions. Don't share information about your life. Don't react to their provocations.
A gray rock does not stand out. A gray rock gives them nothing to work with. A narcissist feeds on emotion, so don't give them any.
Understand That No Means Nothing to a Narcissist
If you say no to a narcissist, they don't hear no. They hear try harder. And they will chase you.
This is called hoovering, like a vacuum cleaner trying to suck you back in. They know that after a few weeks, you might start to miss them. Your mind will drift back, not to the devalue or discard stages, but to the fantasy idealized stage. You'll remember how loving they seemed. You'll think there was such a beautiful person in there, and if someone just loved them enough, it would come out.
And right on cue, they'll show up with a text asking how you are doing.
Then comes the dosing. They won't go fully back to the idealized stage. They'll give you just enough love bombing to make you think they've changed. Flowers. Beautiful texts. Promises. Just enough to get past the current crisis.
And if you take them back, you've just trained them that hoovering works. Your no doesn't mean no. And the next cycle will be even harder.
Why This Cuts So Deep: The Link to Complex Trauma
If you grew up in a home with complex trauma, your body is already familiar with patterns of chaos, criticism, and emotional wounding. You probably learned to be on constant alert for signs of danger. Your brain was releasing cortisol regularly, keeping you in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode.
And in that emotional part of your brain, the limbic system, you likely stored some deeply shameful beliefs about yourself.
I'm not enough.
I'm unlovable.
If I just try harder, one day they'll accept me.
When a narcissist devalues or discards you, these old beliefs come roaring back. You might hear yourself thinking that you knew you'd never be enough. That you knew you were unlovable. That you have to keep trying harder.
But here's the truth. The narcissist saw these wounds in you and preyed on them. They used your own history as a weapon. Those shameful beliefs were never true. They were survival adaptations from a time when you had no power. And they are not who you are.
Moving from Emotional Brain to Thinking Brain
Healing means learning to shift from your emotional brain, the limbic system and amygdala, to your thinking brain, the cortex. Your feelings will tell you one thing. You still love him. Maybe this time is different. You miss how it was at the beginning.
But your cortex looks at facts.
Consider these questions and answer them based on facts, not feelings.
Do they respect my boundaries?
Do they take responsibility when they hurt me?
Can I trust what they tell me?
Do their actions match their words over time?
Do I feel safe with them, or do I feel small and scared?
Write down dates and incidents. Notice patterns. Patterns don't lie.
Your limbic brain is on fire with feeling. But the facts are clear. This person hasn't respected your boundaries. This person continues to disrespect you. The hoovering always stops, and they always go back to their old ways.
Go with the facts. It's one of the hardest things you'll ever do, and one of the most important.
Gentle Steps Toward Healing
You are not weak. You are a survivor. If it feels like they erased you, please know that you are still inside. Your job now is to find your way back, one gentle breath at a time.
1. Rebuild Trust With Your Nervous System
Your body has been sending you signals all along. Tightness in your chest, shallow breathing, cramping in your stomach, heat in your face. These aren't weaknesses. They're data. Your body remembers what your mind tries to rationalize. Start trusting those signals again.
2. Engage Your Cortex
When emotions feel overwhelming, write down facts. Create a timeline. Notice patterns. Let logic be your anchor when feelings threaten to pull you under.
3. Seek Outside Support
Trauma-informed support can help you rebuild your identity. Safe community rewires your nervous system and teaches it new patterns, because isolation strengthens the old ones.
4. Strengthen Boundaries by Not Moving the Line
When you set a boundary, hold it. If your no is negotiable, it teaches others, and your own nervous system, that the boundary doesn't matter. Start small. Practice saying no in safe spaces and build from there.
If they don't respect your boundaries early, they never will. Don't move the line in the sand. If you say that if they hit you one more time you're done, and they hit you again, don't give another chance. Boundaries mean nothing if they're not enforced.
5. Limit Exposure
No contact when possible. Gray rock when it's not. Keep communication brief, factual, and emotionally detached. A narcissist feeds on emotion, so don't give them anything to work with.
Your Story Is Not Over
Healing is not about hiding. It's about reconnecting to the truth of how valuable you are. And you are incredibly valuable.
If you've been caught in this cycle, please know that the fantasy was never real. The love bombing was never love. But your longing for connection, your capacity to care, your willingness to keep trying, those are real. And they are not weaknesses. They are the very things that will carry you home to yourself.
You don't have to do this alone. When you're ready, there is support. There are people who understand. And there is a version of you on the other side of this who finally trusts herself, who knows that real love doesn't require you to disappear.
Resources for Your Journey
LIFT Online Learning is designed for people who've tried everything and still feel stuck.
ALIGN Courses offer practical, self-paced, trauma-informed tools to help you navigate recovery with clarity and confidence.
If this piece resonated with you, you may also find healing in:
Trauma Bonding by Lauren Kozlowski.
Our article: Dating a Narcissist: How Complex Trauma Fuels the Toxic Cycle and How to Break Free.
Healing is about not about hiding, it’s about reconnecting to the clarity of how valuable you are. And you are incredibly valuable. And we are here for you so you don’t have to do this alone. If you’d like to connect in writing you can reach us here or you can schedule a time to speak with a member of our team here.